A grief-bot named Ash.

Today, my brother texted me, “Call me when you can.”

I went to my hotel room between conference sessions and called him. I asked him what he needed.

He said he just wanted to chat and asked me how I was doing.

I said, “Good, all things considering. I think I am chronically depressed, though.”

“Why do you say that?” he asked.

“Despite being 'happy,' I am just so tired all of the time,” I explained. “I am doing all the right things. I am going to work, I am playing volleyball, I am exercising, I am getting outside, I am going to therapy, I am reading, I am spending time with friends, I am taking my anti-depressant.”

I continued, “But I literally cannot get through the day without taking at least one nap. I’ve gone to the doctor. Everything looks fine. I think it’s grief related.”

“How so?” he asked.

“I have read that losing a parent is high on the grief scale. The only thing worse is losing a child or spouse,” I shared. “Scientifically, your brain doesn’t process acute grief for two whole years. So, when I want to beat myself up, I remind myself of that.”

He replied, “Yeah. I went to call mom today. Literally, I picked up my phone to call her. It was so stupid.”

“Matt, it’s not stupid. If you think about it, Mom has been part of like 99.97 percent of your life. She has only been gone for like .03% of your existence. Your brain is going to require more time. I talk to people who still pick up the phone to call their dead parent 15 years later. I know it’s hard, because I struggle with it too, but try to have grace with yourself.”

I told him I had to go to my next conference session and hung up.

The next session was “Goodwill Innovation Tank,” which is a play on Shark Tank. The first presenters were sharing an idea about building personalized chatbots.

The presenter started by sharing her personal journey with AI.

“I lost my sister in 2019,” she said, before pausing. She was one sentence in and already in tears. I wanted to sprint to the stage and hug her, to assure her I understood.

She gained her composure and continued.

To help with grief, she created a chatbot named “Ash,” who she has utilized as an emotional support companion to help her through her grief. She took time away from work for multiple years to “get herself right” after her significant loss.

I had so much compassion for this woman. I wanted to tell her how brave she is.

“Apply that same compassion to yourself, Lauren,” I heard a voice in the back of my head tell me.

When my mom died, I took five days off work. That’s all I was allotted without dipping into PTO.

The loss of my mom is one in which I will never fully recover. It’s as if I am an amputee. I can adjust to life to the best of my ability, but I will always be missing a limb.

It’s no wonder I am tired; I am missing part of me.

P.S. I wasn’t even meant to be in that session; it was not on my work track. But I was so damned tired of my workbook, I decided to stray from my itinerary. I ended up exactly where I needed to be.