Bargaining (Part 1).

This blog feels more vulnerable to me than any past. I swear I am a rational, mentally-sound person (for the most part). I promise I understand that my mother is dead, that there is nothing I can do to bring her back.

But I must be in the “bargaining” stage of grief.

I keep making utterly ridiculous “deals” with …. Whom? I don’t know. A deity? The universe? Oblivion?

It started with an unexpected call from the life insurance company. I was doing “perfectly” fine until they called me up to remind me that my mother is dead! Right in the middle of the day! The nerve!

My brothers and I assumed we’d be paying for all the arrangements, affairs and loose ends out of our own pockets. Mom made ends meet and had enough for a little extra, but not much.

Naturally, we were shocked to learn she had a life insurance policy, which we each will be getting a third of. Not a life-changing amount, but still. Anyway, it was a nice little “surprise,” if you will, until I hated myself. I HATED MYSELF. How can I rejoice in this financial gift I am gaining as a result of my mother dying? Eww. I hate myself, and now, I hate the money, too.

That’s when the bargaining started.

I decided on the spot that I will give all the life insurance money back. Not to the insurance company, but to whoever is keeping my mom. I will even give them the better end of the deal. I don’t need her back forever, just 10 minutes. Hell, forget the life insurance money, I’ll tack on my entire life savings. Again, just for 10 minutes, and then I will give her back.

The problem is, I don’t know how to find the Deity with which I need to bargain.

Ah-ha! My mom, who is with the Deity, will have to bargain on her own behalf. I will reimburse her when she gets here. Again, just 10 minutes. I won’t even tell anyone she came back. It will be hard – nearly impossible – to keep it from Brad, Wes, and my brothers, but I PROMISE the Deity I will take the secret to my grave (it's an expression; I want cremated).

Then I realized something. If my mom was able to bargain with the fake Deity, she wouldn’t use her 10 minutes on me. She’d use them on Wes. And you know what? I am not even bitter about that. Not even a little. I am overjoyed in that knowing.

Now, I need to negotiate with Wes to get some of his time. I just have a handful of bullet points I need him to pass along. OK, I actually have hundreds, but again, I am not a greedy negotiator, because I am desperate. I am utterly desperate due to the magnitude of the pain.

And apparently, people who are in pain bargain.

I didn’t expect the “preface” of the blog to be this long, so I will make this a two-parter.