Bargaining (part 2).

Brad and I are formally finished touring wedding venues (I think). Woof. What an experience that was. I feel so bad for him, because I know this is meant to be such an exciting and fun time (and it is), but as I have mentioned before, grief seeps into every moment, every thought, every experience.

Sometimes, to the grief, I want to scream, “PLEASE GO AWAY. GIVE ME FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES OF PEACE.” Other times, I say, “Come, stay awhile. But please go easy on me. I can’t take much more.”

During the first venue tour, I was just numb. In hindsight, I was underwhelmed by the facility itself, but I kept thinking, “My mom won’t be here to experience any of this.” Once we got to the car, I immediately started sobbing. “I can’t believe she won’t be at our wedding,” I choked out to Brad.

The second tour was much more exciting. I immediately fell in love with the venue and the event manager, Nora. My excitement overrode my grief until we visited the smallest of the four spaces. The guests would be seated at their reception tables during the ceremony, but there were six chairs on either side of the aisle. Nora said, “This is where your immediate family would sit.”

I pictured an empty seat where my mom should be.

“Do not cry, do not cry, do not fucking cry, Lauren,” I repeated to myself over and over and over. “Just make it to the car. Come on, a few more minutes.”

Well, that’s not how grief works.

So, I started crying. I went from a happy-go-lucky bride-to-be to sobbing on the sidewalk in the matter of 30 seconds. Nora, naturally, was perplexed.

“We recently lost her mom,” Brad gently explained, as he hugged me. “Grief is sneaky.”

Even through my sobs, I noticed that Brad said, "we" not "she." I smiled. Our loss is collective; I am not in my grief alone, despite how lonely I feel.

Nora offered me a hug. I declined.

I kept saying to myself and to the unknown Deity from my last blog, “I will trade in all 74 of the guests on my side of the list to have my mom.” Then, I immediately felt the need to apologize to all the guests I mentally removed. “I am sorry that I would trade all of you in, both individually and as a collective whole, for my mom, but it’s just how I feel.”

I was going to talk about Venue #3 and #4, but that’s all I have in me for today.