Dependency is NOT a bad word.

During my divorce, I began dating way too soon.

If you asked my best friend, my therapist, my parents, and my colleagues if I should have been dating, you would have gotten a resounding no. Objectively, they were right.

There was a lot of healing that should have taken place before I ventured into the lawless, chaotic, emotionally unsettling, mind-fuckery, terrible world of dating in your 30s. Not only did I venture into that world, I hurled myself into it.

Why?

There are two reasons.

First, I was desperate. I was desperate for validation. I was desperate for attention. I desperately needed to feel desired. Obviously, none of these are good reasons to be dating. I am aware now, and I was aware then. I just didn’t care.

The second reason, however, is a little deeper, a bit more nuanced. If you go back and read my last post, I was having an identity crisis (which might be the worst possible reason EVER to begin dating). But everybody and their cousin knew me as Lauren Deitering. I didn’t have my own circle that didn’t involve Tyler in some capacity. And, seemingly overnight, I was on the outside of the circle. I desperately (there’s that word again) wanted to meet people who would know me only as “Lauren Stahl.”

In hindsight, I see that there are hundreds of ways I could have met new people without dating, but I wasn’t brave enough. Now, I am.

I healed in reverse.

Let me try to explain.

I didn’t spend a lot of time (okay, any) after my divorce working on myself in preparation for a future relationship. I was fundamentally broken when I met Brad, but our relationship has given me the courage and the strength to heal while in it.

And trust me, it’s messy. I think it takes a special person in Brad to allow me the time and the space to show up as I am, and say, “Hey, I am still ACTIVELY grieving my marriage, my past, what I thought would be my future, and all that I lost.” But my grief, and I don’t get it right 100% of the time, is separate from the love I am prepared to give and receive (and I did not enter our relationship “ready” for it; I had to work diligently for the preparedness I feel today). The mobile fomatting is a little weird; keep scrolling past the photos. :)

Presently, in society, there is almost a romanticization of singleness. “You MUST be happy on your own before you can be happy with someone else!” Or “The best thing a woman can be is independent!” And sure, these statements absolutely have validity.

But it doesn’t really leave much space for people, especially women, to say, “Hey, I prefer to be in a relationship,” Or, “I am happy on my own, but I’d be happier with someone else.” Or even, “Being in a relationship fulfills me.” Those statements are often equated to weakness.

Like, if we admit that we feel incomplete when we are single, something is fundamentally wrong with us.

I am here to tell you otherwise. Humans are BIOLOGICALLY wired to depend on each other. It is NORMAL to desire romantic companionship.

There is this thing called “interdependence,” and it’s a really cool thing. I learned about it in a book called “Attached,” which my therapist recommended.

The codependency myth: Your happiness is something that should come from within and should not be dependent on your lover or mate. Your well-being is not their responsibility, and theirs is not yours. Each person needs to look after himself or herself.

The biological truth: When two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. Our desire for someone to share our lives with is a part of our genetic makeup and has nothing to do with how much we love ourselves or how fulfilled we are on our own.

Dependency is not a bad word: Our ability to step out into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on—this is the “dependency paradox.” We become more independent by being dependent on someone else. When our partners are thoroughly dependent and make us feel safe, and especially if they know how to reassure us during hard times, we can turn our attention to all the other aspects of life that make our existence meaningful.

I very truthfully can say that I have become more independent BY being dependent on Brad.

Brad, in no direct way, had any influence on whether I played in that volleyball tournament last week. But a year ago, I wouldn’t have had the courage to step that far outside of my comfort zone. The steadfastness of our relationship helps create a level of psychological safety that I may otherwise not possess.

In hindsight, I can sit here and be like, “See! I knew what I was doing. I was trusting the dependency paradox!” Trust me, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. I made a lot of excuses for why I was dating, when really, I was just lonely and broken and completely void of any self-worth. And I went searching for it in all the wrong places. It was dumb luck that I stumbled upon it in a place I shouldn’t have been looking in the first place.

But the purpose of this blog is to squash the stigma that “relying” or “depending” on a partner is bad or weak. Attachment is not negative or disempowering. It’s a resource we underutilize, and the key to developing healthy independence is by cultivating healthy dependence on others.

Below are pictures of so many things I have done "on my own" since meeting Brad: traveling, tournaments, concerts, volunteering, conferences, and more!