Depression demanded, "Be intensely sad." I replied, "Right now? But I am really happy."

A lot of the time, my depression co-exists with my sadness. And sure, that sucks. But it at least feels natural. "I am sad and depressed." Makes sense. But this past weekend, I was enjoying the hell out of life. It didn't feel like superficial or fleeting happiness that was circumstantial. It felt like deep, authentic joy for life, with a healthy side of gratitude and optimism.

One moment, I was laughing until tears were streaming down my face. I blinked, and I felt sadness so immensely, I cannot describe it.

Depression crept into my brain and said, "Be a level of sad that feels crippling."

"No thanks," I replied. "I feel really happy."

"NOW."

"Please not now. Maybe you can come back when I am actually sad?"

"No. NOW."

"Fuck you."

I was not invincible this weekend. It affected me to a level of not being able to eat (again), and Brad asking what was wrong during a seemingly beautiful time between us. But my god, I fought back against that depression with every single ounce of me. Every. Single. Ounce. I don't always fight, because it seems like an unfair battle. I "cave" more times than I like to admit. But I am so unbelievably proud of the grit and strength I showed this weekend, which really allowed me to have one of the best weekends ever.

Friday was one of the most moving and inspirational days of my career. THEN, I spent quality time with my best friend, and her boyfriend made us spaghetti and meatballs FROM SCRATCH. I laughed so hard that night, I spit out my water.

Saturday, Brad and I took a trip to Cincinnati, and it was my first time at Great American Ballpark; the night was beautiful, and the experience was magical. We then went to a casino (my first time ever, and I hit “big” on my very first slot—by big, I mean $19), and Brad said, “I hate that THAT was your first experience. That won’t happen again.” He was right. We proceeded to immediately lose the $100 that we budgeted for gambling and went back to our sketchy hotel and watched Modern Family until 1:00 AM.

Today, I’ve been cleaning and reorganizing my house, which has become so therapeutic for me.

Not today, depression. Not today.