I am whole person.

“I am a whole person.”

My last annual review at work did not go well. I was used to nothing but STELLAR, GLOWING reviews, and I crumbled. Just crumbled. This led to me not being able to press “send” on emails by myself, and eventually, my first panic attack. At work. Being sent home from work. Asked not to come back to work. Begging to come back to work.

When I first started dating, I had so many people tell me it was “too soon.” I was defensive. But boy, were they right.

I was trying to find SOME type of identity outside of being a wife and being a volleyball player, which I was no longer either of those things, seemingly overnight. I tried to carry on with my life as if nothing at all happened, and that bit me in the ass.

This year, my annual review was “so-so,” which is pretty indicative of my life.

Good days, bad days. Whatever.

But my supervisor asked, “How are YOU?”

I said, “I am a whole person now.”

I am not a wife. I am not a volleyball player.

I am Lauren. Lauren Stahl.

If I lose a volleyball match, I chalk it up to, “Welp, everyone has off days.” I laugh on the court. This, previously, was sacrilegious to me.

I am in two book clubs – one with my coworkers and one with my friends.

I am the captain of a bowling league.

I blog.

I scrapbook.

I CHOOSE to stay home by myself a lot of the time instead of going to Brad’s house.

I plan dinner dates with my friends.

I buy concert tickets.

Somehow, I became some official judge of a fucking fishing photo contest.

The bad days don’t go away. Sometimes, my brain still feels broken. Last night, I sure as hell cried myself to sleep. The pain I feel is a pain I will never get over, but dammit, I am happier than I ever have been.

Tonight, I applied for a part-time job as a gymnastics coach.

Add that to my resume of being a “whole person.”