I forgot my last name during a media segment.

I was afraid to start a blog because I have tried blogging before. I build the website. I write one blog. I never blog again. My track record as a failed blogger almost prevented me from starting this blog, but I said to myself, “Even if you don’t write consistently, who cares? Just write when you want!”

Since launching ‘Fix Me In 45,’ I have blogged 36 times. That is an average of five blogs per month! It has been more than a month since I have been inspired to write … and that’s simply because I have nothing to write about. Truly. That’s not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, it’s just a thing.

But something happened today, and here I am, inspired to write again.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, believes me when I tell them I am an introvert, because they, “See me on TV!” This is a good lesson of “Everything is not as it seems.”

My formal title at work is Manager of Marketing & Public Relations. It’s a fairly general title, and it encapsulates a broad range of duties. I am a “jack of all trades,” if you will. I love writing. I love editing. I love content development. I love design.

Before my ‘life circumstance,’ I loathed one of my main duties – media relations. But it was my responsibility, and I was competent enough to do it moderately well. So, I sucked it up, and I did it.

I dreaded media segment days. I would lose sleep the night before them. During the segments, I had to find ways to hide my hands from shaking. After nearly all of them, I would go to my car and sob while I mentally berated myself. I would replay my every word and wish I could have a do-over. I believed that I was a disgrace to Goodwill and that I was failing at something I am professionally trained to do.

Then, my ‘life circumstance’ happened, and not only did I loathe media relations, but I loathed myself. Media relations slowly evolved from, “This is part of my job I don’t like doing but I will certainly suck it up,” to “I am emotionally and physically incapable of doing this.”

I talked to my supervisor about it, and after extended time off work for mental health reasons, I came back to work, and it was suggested that my colleague and I switch roles. This means I would get to go back to focusing on content development (with a large emphasis on social media) while he took over most media relations duties – a switch that excited us both. Honestly, it was such a logical switch based on both of our strengths, I don’t know why we weren’t in each other’s positions all along.

Today, a reporter texted my supervisor. She wanted to interview a Goodwill representative about our partnership with 4-H and also about our RISE program. For context, these two topics are not AT ALL related. I am our ‘resident expert’ regarding our 4-H partnership, so he handed her off to me.

I called her for more insight on the stories. I told her I was happy to handle the 4-H segment, but I would need to connect her with our career services team for the RISE portion. I asked her when her deadline was.

“Today at 2:00,” she said. “I am so sorry! I know it’s a tight deadline.”

Hesitantly, I replied, “I have time now if that works for you?” Mentally, I was like, “Lauren, what THE FUCK are you doing? You haven’t even prepared talking points.”

The segment did not get off to a great start. I was asked to spell my first and last name. Well, readers, I forgot how to spell my last name.

Here is why – professionally, I go by Deitering, but socially, I go by Stahl. ‘Stahl’ was on my Zoom screen because I usually only use Zoom for personal reasons. So, I was like, “Shit, your last name in this incident is Deitering, not Stahl, even though you see Stahl on the screen.”

So, I started spelling. “D-E-I-T-E” and then I BLANKED. Instead of just recovering, I ASKED ON CAMERA if I could start over (thank goodness it was pre-recorded, not live). Instead of just laughing it off, I decided to EXPLAIN why I didn’t know how to spell my own last name.

*nervous chuckles all around*

“So, back to the segment,” the reporter announced, probably feeling VERY awkward.

After I handled the 4-H segment, she breezily says, “Let’s talk about RISE, now.”

“Well, I was going to connect you with someone on our team who knows much more about this program. I don’t work for career services.”

“It’s okay! I just want to ask you a few questions, personally.”

So, I fumbled my ass through the second half of the interview, logged off and shrugged my shoulders.

Re-read that last sentence.

I logged off and shrugged my shoulders.

I went back to work and didn’t let it dictate any more space in my brain. One year ago, I would have sprinted to my car and called my mom. And she would have comforted me while I cried in hysterics.

Today, I shed not a single tear, not even for forgetting my last name. Not a single tear for being mildly tricked into talking about a topic I have virtually zero knowledge on.

I walked into my supervisor’s office and said, “Just wanted to let you know that both the 4-H and RISE segments have been taken care of.”

He looked at, highly confused and said, “That was quick.”

I replied, “The reporter had a tight deadline. I was already on the phone with her. I decided just to do it. It was fine.”

He asked, “I know it’s been a while since you have done one of these. How does it feel?”

“Could have been better. Could have been worse."

He beamed a smile at me and said, “I am so proud of you.”

“Thanks. I am proud of me too.”

P.S. The segment aired tonight. You can watch here. Of my 15 minute interview, they ended up using two soundbites. Thank goodness I didn't waste any emotional energy worrying about it :)