Is my mom in a *perfect* place, or is she still here with me? Because it can't be both.

I haven’t done a deep dive into grief work yet, but in my experience so far, there is a lack of universal information about its intellectual impact.

It’s no wonder grief is impacting me emotionally, spiritually, socially, psychologically and even physically. I don’t know if my body is physically tired or if I am sleeping so much to avoid the pain of my own consciousness.

Either way, I would identify myself as agnostic. I am not dismissing the concept of God, but rather, I am embracing the idea that our universe is enormously too vast to be comprehended by the limitations of the human experience. It would be inexcusably big-headed of us to assume we know the answer to Creation and human existence, just as it would be unforgivably ignorant to assume we know with absolute certainty that God doesn’t exist. Agnosticism is the greatest form of humility.

I digress.

I have been astounded (in the best way possible) at the lack of shallow, unhelpful cliches I have received in the face of my mother’s death.

You know the ones.

“She’s in a better place."

“God needed another angel.”

God is GOD. If he needed another angel, he can fucking create one. He’s an asshole if he thinks he – all-powerful, all-knowing GOD – needs MY mom more than I do. She’s just a mere human, after all.

I digress again.

Personally, I believe that Heaven could be real, but more so, I believe it’s likely a cozy concept created by humans because it’s the only way we can come to terms with our mortality.

It’s just too convenient for me, you know?

And here’s why.

Some people have expressed that they believe with complete certainty that my mom is “with” me. Like, in a tangible sense. She knows what I am up to. She offers guidance. What a warm concept. Sometimes, that belief (one that I don’t fully accept) is the only thing that gets me from one day to the next. (See, I am willing to adopt fake beliefs systems to self-soothe). Fake, to me, that is. I fully support every single person believing in whatever they believe in, as long as it does no harm to others.

Okay, so let’s pretend for a moment that my mom is with me, she can experience life with me, at least as a distant observer.

Other people (and they are often the same as the first group) believe that my mom is in a place of such peace and joy, she wouldn’t come back even if she had the choice. How wonderful! I pray (again, to my fake Deity) every single day that my mom is happy.

I would be willing to entertain one of those belief systems, but not one part of me believes that they can both be true. For me, that realization destroys me.

I know my mom, likely better than anyone. I know that for my entire life, she felt every emotion of mine to the same degree I did, or perhaps, even stronger. All my joy and all my pain and all my victories and all my failures, she felt too. I know that to be true.  I know that more than anything.

If my mom could see me now, from her place of perfect joy and peace, it would no longer be either of those things – joyful or peaceful. She would be in pain. Because she would be witnessing my pain. And even worse, she would be witnessing my pain, knowing her absence is the cause of it, and she wouldn’t be able to wrap her arms around me and wipe the tears from my face. I am not a mom, but if I was, I can’t imagine anything worse.

Are you telling me that my mom can see me, that she can observe the soul-crushing grief I experience every waking second of my life, yet she’s existing in complete harmony? The two beliefs simply cannot coexist, so that means I have to give up one of them.

I can accept that my mom is with me, but I must shed the idea that she’s living in perfect peace. Reversely, if I accept that she’s living in perfect peace, I am forced to rid myself of the idea that she is with me.

And so, with all of this, my brain hurts.

I often tell my therapist, “My life would be easier if I was just a little dumber.”

I really expected the closing of this blog to be more poignant, but I have run of steam to further write on this topic.