Last moving day (eating the frog) + Where the heck is Bruiser?

It has been a hot minute since I have written or published a blog. Honestly, I have not had much to write about ... This post is going to be uninspired, because I don't feel like writing, but I am forcing myself to, because writing is a healthy outlet for me. For those reasons, this post is more of a diary-entry than a blog.

Today, I moved the last of my things out of my house. It was highly unemotional and just ... hot. I have been procrastinating for weeks, and I am not really sure why. Thank goodness, my landlord is my friend, and the next tenant is also my friend, so the July 1 move out date was not a hard deadline. Today, I told Brad, "I just need to eat the frog." He introduced me to this saying last week.

To put it simply, eating the frog is the process of identifying your most difficult task of the day and completing it before you do any other work. If you have to eat two frogs, eat the bigger one first.

I did bring Winnie with me, because honestly ... I didn't want to be alone.

Which brings me to my first, very difficult topic: Bruiser.

Winnie and Bruiser look JUST alike (when you can't see their chests), except Winnie has a tad more lab in her while Bruiser has more pit. Their frame, their size, their coats, their tails, even their teeth are similar. A lot of time, people mistake Winnie for Bruiser, and it makes me sad. Some have even asked Bruiser is.

Bruiser has been with Tyler, and I have not asked for him since May. I cry from missing him nearly every day. Will I eventually go back to having Bruiser part-time? That is a question I do not have an answer for.

I will try to explain as briefly as I can, but ... ever since the divorce, I have wrestled with a lot of dog-mom guilt. Bruiser is an extremely chill/lazy dog. 11/10 good boy. There was definitely an adjustment period when I first moved into my house. He was constantly restless, always barking. He didn't understand where he was. He didn't understand where "dad" was. He didn't understand why he didn't have a doggy door and constant access to come and go inside and outside as he pleased.

I would cry and cry, because I felt like he hated being with me. He eventually got used to coming to my place, be he never truly felt "settled." It wasn't his home. And I didn't blame him.

Selfishly, I wanted him half of the time, but I didn't know if that was what was best FOR him. Then, we'd add in a THIRD environment (Brad's) for Bruiser to adjust to, and it was becoming a lot for everyone. Plus, I have been working in therapy about "emotional tax" vs. "emotional payoff." Bruiser, for various reasons, comes with both. The emotional payoff is obvious, but the 'goodbyes' are very, very hard. That, and he is the only reason Tyler and I are still "connected" (both of these are emotionally taxing for me).

I still don't know what is best for Bruiser, for me, for Brad's dogs. At this point, we are working on better securing the fence at Brad's house (which I guess is "our" house now), but that's just weird to say. Once I feel settled, I think we are going to start having Bruiser over for day dates and go from there.

So, basically, I am just choosing not to make a decision at this point in time. Various pictures of Bruiser and Winnie below:

ABRUPTLY SHIFTING TOPICS:

There has been one "little" thing that has made this move significantly easier for me, and I want to thank Brad for it. My biggest fear was that Brad's home would never feel like my home, that I would just be someone who happens to live under his roof.

From Day 1 (and even before), Brad has consistently used "our" and "we" language.

"We have laundry detergent at home."

"Our vacuum cleaner is a piece of shit." (Despite him buying it before he even met me).

While talking to a neighbor, "Our property line goes back into the woods."

I am struggling to think of tangible examples in this moment, but it happens nearly every day, and it really makes me feel like this house is "ours," and I am not just a roommate occupying space and paying half the mortgage.

So, there is a mini life update! Hopefully, something inspires me to write soon.

Also ... like, I am not delusional. I know I only have a handful of subscribers, but if there is anything YOU want me to write about, let me know :)