My rules of dating—the most important, do not associate with men who don't allow pets on furniture.

I read/hear about the horrors of dating in your 30s.

The first person (T) I dated post-divorce was a DREAM. No games. No bullshit. No drama. But … no chemistry.

I remember thinking, “Why do people have so much trouble with this? Maybe they aren’t screening their dates closely enough.” And trust me, I SCREENED. I had a whole team of unpaid detectives.

Between T and Brad, I dated only walking red flags. Over and over. Mind games. Ghosting. More mind games. More ghosting. One guy even INVENTED OWNING A DOG. The first night he stayed over (massive mistake), I was like, “Umm, so … where is Teddy?” Apparently, Teddy “stayed with his brother a lot.”

Weird, but whatever. He later would ghost me, thank god.

After extensive (and I mean EXTENSIVE) detective work, I discovered that Teddy lived in a different state with this dude’s ex wife.

Before I had my blog, I wrote a lot about my dating experiences. It was a highly effective therapeutic tool for all the trauma I was willingly putting myself through.

For shits and giggles, I decided to open some of those documents from all those months ago, and I landed upon “Lauren’s 11 rules for dating.” I AM DYING.

*The original document is 15 rules, but I had to remove 4 rules that can never be shared publicly.

1. Don’t fall for 26-year-olds who are recovering from a traumatic brain energy.

2. Don’t fall for 26-year-olds period.

3. Preferably only interact with men who have jobs.

4. Don’t EVEN TALK TO men who are obsessed with MMA.

5. Don’t continue talking to men who ask you for money. Insider info: Men who ask for money may also charge you for favors, like helping to set up your bed frame, if you are too small to do it by yourself.

6. Don’t let your love interests know about one another.

7. Don’t respond to men who ask you out within the first three messages.

8. Don’t continue talking to guys who “don’t allow pets on furniture.”

9. Don’t let guys know your whole work group chat knows about them. Certainly do not send them screenshots of said-chat.

10. Don’t tell guys your mom wants their phone number (oops).

11. Don’t assume a guy wants you to meet his friends unless he specifically asks.

BONUS rule: If a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit.