Pro-tip: When experiencing grief, just listen to happier music! (sarcasm)

When I was going through the trenches of divorce — which included moving out of my home, finding new living arrangements, taking extended time off work, filing paperwork, experiencing anxiety attacks, losing "friends" and so on — I was struggling. As one would.

During this period of my life, a well-intended friend suggested I just "listen to happier music."

OH MY GOODNESS ME, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? Why didn't my therapist who I was paying a gazillion dollars for suggest that?

The advice really pissed me off. And here's why.

Imagine a soldier bleeding out on the battlefield, in need of emergency medical care, and someone said, "But wait! I have a Band-Aid!"

To suggest that this pain I was feeling — this immense, deep, unbearable pain — could be fixed by something as simple as a Lizzo song was insulting.

It insinuated that I was intentionally tormenting myself, that I didn't want to get better.

Did I handle my grief in the healthiest, most productive way possible? Absolutely-fucking-not. But there is no manual for how to best cope when your entire universe falls apart. OK, I am sure there are dozens of self-help books on this topic, but that is not the point.

The point is this. Pain demands to be felt.

I didn't want to listen to some sugary, upbeat song because I was not feeling upbeat. Could Katy Perry have provided three minutes of emotional relief? Perhaps. But that wouldn't have been a long-term solution.

I understand that my emotions during this time were extremely messy and complicated. That naturally makes people uncomfortable, and there is often no "right" thing to say to a person who is grieving, but I will suggest one thing. Before providing any type of advice to someone experiencing emotional turmoil, ask them, "Are you looking for support or solutions?"

For me, at that time, there was no solution. If there was a solution, I was not ready to hear it, and if I was ready to hear it, I definitely wasn't ready to implement it. I needed to go through the pain, not around it. And to go through the pain, I needed to immerse myself in media that allowed me to feel the pain in its rawest form. And that's what music (yes, sad music!) did for me. I often felt like the loneliest person on the entire planet, but there were some artists that had a transcendent ability to make me feel less alone.

So, if your friend wants to listen to the same depressing song over and over and over and cry until she has no tears left, just hand her a Kleenex.

The song (and video, especially) in reference: